In the world of relationship psychology, few concepts are as iconic as Dr. John Gottman’s Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Just as
the biblical figures signalled the end of times, these four communication patterns are
statistically significant predictors of future relationship failure.
The good news? Recognizing them is the first step toward healing your relationship. For every
Horseman, there is a scientifically backed antidote that can steer a relationship back toward
safety and connection.
1. Criticism
The Horseman:
Criticism isn’t just a complaint about a behaviour; it is an attack on your partner’s character. It
often begins with “You always…” or “You never…” and implies that there is something
fundamentally wrong with who they are.
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up.
Instead of attacking, focus on your feelings and a specific need. Use “I” statements and “You’re
so selfish for forgetting to take the bin out,” becomes “I really like it when everything is tidy at
the end of the day; could you please help me by taking the bin out tonight?”
2. Contempt
The Horseman:
According to Dr. Gottman contempt is the most destructive of the four. It is fuelled by long
simmering negative thoughts and manifests as sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mocking.
It aims to make the partner feel despised and worthless.
The Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation.
Contempt cannot thrive where respect lives. Make a conscious effort to regularly express
gratitude for the small things your partner does. By focusing on their positive qualities, you
change the “inner script” of your relationship from resentment to appreciation.
3. Defensiveness
The Horseman:
We usually get defensive when we feel criticised or unfairly accused. We make excuses or play
the “innocent victim” to deflect blame. Unfortunately, this tells our partner that we aren’t taking
their concerns seriously.
The Antidote: Take Responsibility.
Even if you only agree with 5% of what your partner is saying, own that 5%.
Instead of “I only forgot running the errand because you’ve been nagging me so much!”
say “You’re right, I did forget to stop by the store. I should have written it down.”
4. Stonewalling
The Horseman:
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down or
physically leaving the room without a word. It usually happens when a person is emotionally
“flooded”, i.e. when they are physiologically incapable of processing information.
The Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing.
When you feel yourself shutting down, call a “timeout’. Then, spend at least 20 minutes doing
something unrelated (e.g. going for a walk, playing music) to calm your nervous system down
before returning to the conversation. Agree on a sign that signals you need a ‘timeout’ and let
your partner know when you will be back to re-engage in conversation.
In summary
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and according to Dr. Gottman 69 % of relationship
conflicts are perpetual as they are rooted in fundamental personality and lifestyle differences
that never fully go away. It is however the way you manage these issues and the way you fight
that determines the longevity of your relationship. – The presence of the ‘Four Horsemen’
doesn’t mean you should leave immediately, it means the relationship needs a ‘check-up’. If
both partners are willing to re-commit to each other and a different style of being and
communicating with each other, the relationship can become healthier and can be revived. By
swapping the destructive ‘Horseman’ habits for their antidotes, you can move away from a
cycle of escalation and toward a culture of mutual respect. It takes practice but identifying the
‘Horsemen’ and consciously applying their antidotes can be the first step for a more mindful
way of living and relating toward each other.
Sometimes this work requires the help of a safe and professional third person. Please reach out
if needed. I am here to support you.
Important!
If physical or emotional safety are an issue in your relationship, please make sure you talk to a
trusted third person. Consider talking to a professional like your GP, myself or another
counsellor or call 1800Respect.
You deserve to feel safe in your relationship, you deserve to be treated as an equal, and your
boundaries to be respected!