Not bad enough to leave and not good enough to stay. There is a specific kind of exhaustion that
comes with relationship ambivalence and indecision. “Should I stay or should I go?” is one of the most asked questions in relationship counselling.
But: You aren’t just looking for an exit you’re looking for evidence which way to go. The following
prompts might help you with creating more clarity.
Assessing the foundation
Before you look for reasons to leave, it is helpful to look for reasons to stay.
A relationship worth saving usually possesses these three core elements:
A relationship worth saving usually possesses these three core elements:
1. Mutual growth:
Are you both becoming better versions of yourselves, or are you shrinking to fit the
relationship?
What version of yourself do you want to be?
2. Emotional safety:
Do you feel safe sharing your fears and failures without being mocked or judged?
How do you feel in your partner’s presence on a daily basis?
3. Aligned values:
Are you aligned on core values and on shared goals?
Is your relationship built on integrity, trust, respect, kindness and generosity?
What are your non-negotiables?
Clarifying questions
If you are feeling stuck, sit with the following questions and be radically honest with yourself:
1. If a friend or your own child was in this exact relationship, what would you tell them?
What kind of relationship template are you modelling for your children if you stay / go?
What kind of relationship template are you modelling for your children if you stay / go?
2. Are you staying because of love, or because of ‘sunk cost fallacy’?
Just because you have invested five years, it doesn’t mean you should stay five more
Just because you have invested five years, it doesn’t mean you should stay five more
3. Does the thought of a future without your partner bring more grief or more relief?
Pay close attention to your body’s immediate physical reaction to this question. What does your intuition tell you?
Does spending time with your partner generally “charge” your battery or “drain” it?
Do you feel free to express your true needs and boundaries, or are you “walking on eggshells” to avoid a conflict?
Pay close attention to your body’s immediate physical reaction to this question. What does your intuition tell you?
Does spending time with your partner generally “charge” your battery or “drain” it?
Do you feel free to express your true needs and boundaries, or are you “walking on eggshells” to avoid a conflict?
4. Are you in love with your partner as they are today, or are you in love with
the potential of who they could be?
How is your partner showing up for you / for others?
If you knew for a fact that your partner would never change their current habits or personality, would you still want to be with them in five years?
If all the issues were fixed, would you stay?
How is your partner showing up for you / for others?
If you knew for a fact that your partner would never change their current habits or personality, would you still want to be with them in five years?
If all the issues were fixed, would you stay?
5. When will you know for sure that it is time to leave?
Are your answers coming from a place of love or fear?
What is it costing you (mentally, physically, or emotionally) to stay in this state of one foot-in-one-foot-out?
Are your answers coming from a place of love or fear?
What is it costing you (mentally, physically, or emotionally) to stay in this state of one foot-in-one-foot-out?
In summary
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of whether you should stay or go.
It might be confusing, but you can hold the two feelings of wanting to leave and wanting to stay
at the same time.
Be patient, check in with yourself, honour the relationship you have with yourself, your values,
needs and boundaries, check in with people you trust and value. Trust that the answer will
reveal itself.
Important!
If physical or emotional safety are an issue in your relationship, please make sure you talk to a trusted third person. Consider talking to a professional like your GP, myself or another counsellor or call 1800Respect. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship, you deserve to be treated as an equal and your
boundaries to be respected!