In the early honeymoon like stages of a relationship positive emotions run high and hopes and
dreams are often projected onto our new partner. All too easily intuition is thrown overboard
and gut feelings that something doesn’t feel quite right or doesn’t add up get minimised or
ignored.
‘Red flags’ are early warning signs that signal potential danger ahead. They are patterns of
behaviours that indicate unhealthy, unsustainable, or harmful dynamics in a relationship.
Ignoring these ‘red flags’ doesn’t make them disappear. It simply allows them to fester and
grow into larger, more destructive patterns.
Some common ‘red flags’ are:
1. Love bombing
An intense, overwhelming display of affection, compliments, and grand gestures very
early on in the relationship. While it feels good, it can be a tactic to manipulate and
control by creating a quick, intense bond before true compatibility is established.
2. Lack of accountability
Your partner consistently blames others and even you for their problems, struggles to
apologize sincerely, or refuses to take responsibility for their actions.
3. Controlling behaviours
This can range from subtle controlling behaviours (e.g. wanting to check your phone,
dictating your schedule, telling you what to wear, isolating you from friends and family,
gaslighting, put-downs, guilt-tripping, emotional withdrawal, subtle financial control) to
overtly controlling behaviours (e.g. physical abuse, intimidation, constant monitoring
(demanding check-ins by call or text, installing tracking devises), overt threats,
interfering with medical treatment, insisting on making all major decisions.
4. Disrespect for boundaries:
Your partner repeatedly ignores your “no”, pushes past your comfort zones, or mocks
your personal limits (e.g. “you are too sensitive”).
5. Frequent lying / deception:
Your partner displays a pattern of dishonesty, lying even about small things, and eroding
trust.
6. Intense jealousy:
While a little jealousy can be normal, extreme or possessive jealousy is a major ‘red
flag’, often leading to controlling behaviours.
7. ‘Future faking’:
Your partner makes grand promises about the future, that feel too good to be true, often
to keep you invested without genuine intent.
8. Poor communication skills:
Your partner resorts to silent treatment, yelling, and name-calling.
9. Animal neglect, abuse or cruelty:
Threats or acts against pets are a strong indicator for harm to humans.
Some ways of how to investigate ‘red flags’:
1. Acknowledge and observe:
Don’t dismiss your gut feeling. When you notice a red flag, don’t react immediately.
Instead, observe if it’s a one-off incident or a recurring pattern.
2. Communicate:
If it’s a pattern, bring it up. Choose a calm moment and use “I” statements, focusing on
their behaviour and how it makes you feel, rather than attacking their character. (e.g. “I
felt uncomfortable when you checked my phone just now. It makes me feel like you
don’t trust me, and it is important for me that we trust each other.”)
3. Set clear boundaries:
State what you will and won’t accept.
4. Watch for their reaction:
A safe partner will listen, apologize, and make an effort to change (e.g. “I’m so sorry, I
didn’t realize that impacted you that way. I’ll make sure to be more mindful.”)
A partner who dismisses your feelings, gets defensive, or blames you is waving a ‘red
flag’ (e.g. “You’re overreacting / I was just kidding / You’re too sensitive / Why are you
bringing this up now?”).
5. Trust actions, not just words:
Anyone can say they’ll change. Look for consistent effort and sustained behavioural
shifts. Lip service without follow-through is a ‘red flag’.
In summary
Your safety and well-being are paramount.
Spotting ‘red flags’ isn’t about finding the perfect partner. It is about finding a safe partner,
someone who respects you, values your boundaries, treats you as an equal, someone who is
willing to take accountability for own actions, and who communicates constructively with
you. By paying attention to your gut and ‘red flags’, you empower yourself to build and invest in
relationships that truly nourish and uplift you.
Important!
If physical or emotional safety are an issue in your relationship, please make sure you talk to a
trusted third person. Consider talking to a professional like your GP, myself or another
counsellor or call 1800Respect.
You deserve to feel safe in your relationship, you deserve to be treated as an equal, and your
boundaries to be respected!